Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Lost and not found yet

Lost.

Does every fresh graduate feels the same? Don't think so. I do know some of them, well-planned even before they graduated. Even if they keep trying different stuffs, but they know clearly what are they doing.

Obviously, I am not a part of them.

And, I am not that 'fresh' anymore. I've finished my industrial training and considered as graduated since early July. I am still losing my way after more than 3 months. Dear Angeline, who went to lectures together with me for the past 2 years, already on her career path for so long and I am still loitering around! *guilty*

Okay, so what have I done in the past 3 months?

I continued to work as a temporary research assistant at the place where I had my industrial training. The researches in that laboratory are basically about the nervous system. Spinal cord, nerves, nerve injuries.... of rats. Yup, dealing with rats again after my final year project with rats' liver, i think this is my fate.

Initially I was actually quite excited when i got the chance to work there, because I knew I would have chance to run research regarding spinal cord. Well, spinal cord and backbone, kinda closely related huh? I have a condition called scoliosis. Google or wiki it for more info if you don't know what is it. I have idiopathic backaches, on and off. I cannot bend or stretch like other people do, so you probably won't see me pick up things from the floor by bending at the waist but the knee. (In fact mine is the correct posture, haha!)

So I was thinking, the research probably would somehow related to my own condition. This thought motivated me, at first.

At last I know I have been so naive.

However I planned to do my masters study at the same laboratory. But I doubted whether to carried on neuroresearches, or to try some other fields. I knew neuro is not something light-and easy. After consulting a senior, this was his advice:
"If a surgeon is god of doctors, then a neurosurgeon is god of surgeons."

So I read journals, wanted to finish my proposal in order to start my masters study. Reading journals is not easy like it sounds, for me the process is exactly same as how Joan described it. But things don't always turn up what you want it to be. Things happened and the plan to do my masters there just didn't work out.

I left the lab.

It was about 1 month ago. After that I doubted whether I should continue my studies, or should I start working. Further studying means handling rats again, everyday doing surgery and running tests. I was so fed up with all these. Earning money seems like more practical, haha.

I went for 2 job interviews. I was offered the job immediately after the interview sessions, for both jobs.

And I rejected both.

Currently, I started to work out for another research proposal. After so much time i spent in doubts and uncertainty. Now I am in a state of bottleneck. The situation is like a secondary school student going to do a surgery on a patient without supervision of someone who is experienced, but just based on the manual he/she read from google. Oh mon dieu!

Save me!!!

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